1. Government Decisions

            A few years ago I decided to obtain a post office box. I went to the local post office and was handed some paperwork. I hate filling out forms or applications but it didn’t appear as though I had any choice. However, on reading the document, I noticed the words,

            “Filling out this form is optional.”

I was relieved since this meant I would be spared some drudgery. My joy was short lived as I noticed another comment on the page, which said,

            “To procure a P. O. box, you must fill out this form.”

            Leland H. Gregory III wrote a book in 1997 called Great Government Goofs. If you get a chance, I recommend it very highly. It’s proof that people in politics do things that normal, rational human beings shouldn’t do. You will be shocked and upset, but you should get a good laugh as well. You may also conclude that it’s time to elect some new Senators and Representatives! I couldn’t help but include some of those events here. 

            Alaska State Senator M. I. Freezin introduced a bill to make it illegal for a civilian dog to impersonate a police dog.

I wonder if the former can still get work as a private detective!

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            A new danger has arrived: adversarial soda machines. After individuals who service those devices tried to wrangle a free pop and were disgusted by being shortchanged, they tilted, rocked and shook the machines, which fell on them. Three died and twelve had to be hospitalized. Clashes between the machines and those who just wanted a soda resulted in twenty four injuries and eight deaths.

Those machines will need a lawyer when it comes to trial time.

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            According to Common Sense Government in 1995, the Defense Department spends more on procedures for travel ($22.2 billion) than on travel ($2 billion.)

Someone has to “come to his senses.”

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            In 1974, the words “For Kids Sake, Think Toy Safety” was displayed on 80,000 buttons. Unfortunately, they all had to be recalled, as the paint was toxic.

These Toys Rn’t for Us.

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            NASA spent $200,000 to develop a sweet potato that can be grown in outer space.

Why travel that great distance when this sounds like there’s a great deal of empty space in some of the brains at the agency?

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            In 1987, Mississippi Representative Shirley L. Pass introduced a bill into the Senate legislature that would give dwarfs permission to use crossbows to hunt deer.

I didn’t think those people were lobbyists!

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            In the 1970s during the energy crisis, Ohio Representative Seymore Cold introduced a bill to eliminate January and February from the calendar, since they are the coldest months.

Does that mean that our Congressmen and Senators in Washington will only get paid for ten months of the year? I like that idea.

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            Congress allocated $19 million to examine the amount of methane gas emitted from cow flatulence.

I don’t think the problem should be blamed on the cows.

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            Texas State Representative Gerry Mandering introduced a bill that would require anyone who plans to commit a crime to give their would-be victim at least 24 hours notice in writing or orally, but only in certain crimes.

Wouldn’t that spoil the surprise?

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            In a similar manner, Oklahoma State Representative Eubie Forewarned  introduced a bill that would require men to obtain advance permission from any female with whom they wished to have sexual intercourse.

Would the woman be notified ahead of time about dinner?

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            $36,749,000 was added by the House of Representatives for a generic increase for industrial preparedness.

At least they saved some money because they didn’t get the name brand item.

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            In the 1996 budget, Congress approved $1 million for potato research. Since 1983, over $13 million has been appropriated for such research.

I hope none of that was for French Fries.

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            The expression “Premature impact of an aircraft with terrain” is the politically correct FAA term for an airplane crash.

Is the same name given if drinks have already been served?

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            The cost for the government to buy a stapler is $54, $4 for the actual item and $50 overhead.

I wonder what the staples cost. For that price, let the pages be loose!

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            The U.S. Government has thirty two billion cubic feet of helium stored under twenty square miles of the Texas panhandle in case of blimp warfare. This was from 1929 but during the 1960s Congress decided to renew the reserves and ordered an addition to the stockpile.

I wonder where are the blimps stored.

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            The Illinois Department of Conservation spent $100,000 to study the contents of owl vomit.

I can tell you what is emitted by the owls and it won’t cost you that much.

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            The Pentagon paid $1676 for a ten-foot aluminum ladder.

They obviously didn’t try Home Depot!

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            The Senate proposed spending $1 million to study brown tree snakes. Oddly enough, the species is only found in Guam, not threatening to humans and can’t survive in North America.

They may not be tree snakes, but there’s something crawling around in the Senate.

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            The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism asked for $102,000 for a project that included an experiment to see if sunfish that drink tequila are more aggressive than sunfish that drink gin.

I thought that sunfish only drank beer.

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            Pratt and Whitney in 1990 charged the government $999 for ordinary pliers.

I hope that came with a warranty.

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            Representative Gladys Notmee of Culpepper, Virginia proposed a bill that prohibited dead bodies from being stored where food is served.

That is for all those restaurants that have cadavers on the premises.

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            The Bureau of Indian Affairs included in their 1992 inventory list $297 million for three chain saws, one typewriter set at $96 million and two typewriters…one at $77 million and the other at $42 million.

Luckily they got the items on sale!

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